breakup scene: ego

Grace:

Ego, I need to expand. I need to push my limits and get outside my comfort zone.

Ego:

What? Why? This is crazy. No, no, no, no, no. No way.

Grace:

I’m outgrowing these walls. I’m too small for here now. My soul is begging for growth. Something out there is calling me from within here and I need to answer the call.

Ego:

This is actually fucking ridiculous. Well, I’m not going with you. I’m staying right here. If you want to go you can go on your own, but you will never survive without me. I’m the only reason we’re here right now. I’m the only reason we’re alive. What would you have done without me all these years, if I wasn’t there to protect us?

Grace:

I know, I know all that you have done and I thank you for that.

Ego:

I’ve kept us safe. Who else would’ve told you “Nope, don’t do that. Last time we did that, remember, it was scary and we almost shit our pants.” Who else? I’m the one that reminds you how scary it is out there and I do so by keeping you afraid of that thing so you never have to feel that fucking awful feeling again! I organised all those facades for you, ones you’ve worn your entire life and I thought you were going to wear them forever. We agreed, as long as you stay masked and aware of all the dangers out there, then you will never have to go through hard, scary and uncertain things again. And we will be safe here if we just don’t change anything and we don’t move, if we just stay and not touch a thing.

Staying in spot forever is good, it’s safe, it’s reliable, it’s familiar. It may not be the best, but it’s not the worst. And it’s what we know and we are good at what we know. We’ve been surviving what we know all our lives. So, let’s not venture into the unknown because I don’t know how we’re going to handle that and I don’t even know if I’ve got the tools to help you out there. I’ve got all the tools we need to deal with life’s shit right here.

What do you need - to not make this mistake? Look, I’ve got our trusty shame shovel to dig us into pits when we fuck up real bad and need to bury ourselves under the weight of all the guilt, embarrassment and judgment. No? Okay, well you can’t just leave behind our pen of perfection, inked up and ready to edit, filter and curate everything you say to ensure you’re palatable, predictable and pleasant for everyone else’s consumption. Without Penny Perfection how are you going to be digestible? Remember when we witnessed others go through all that ridicule and rejection for being themselves and speaking their mind. Yeah? Well, hope you’re hungry for abandonment because they’re serving fat plates of that out there.

Speaking of exclusion, what are you going to eat when you’re hungry for nourishment? When you’re craving connection? Bet you’ll miss my Isolation Icy Poles. We suck on them until we’re cold and numb and can’t feel the pang for nurturing from within. You’ll have to suffer the pain of longing without my icyness.

I don’t understand why you’d want anything different. I have all we need, and all that’s ever worked up until now here with us in our pit of safety.

Grace:

It’s not a pit of safety for me anymore. It’s a pit of despair. I know all the survival tools you’ve created for me have kept me alive up until now, I know you’ve protected me from danger, I know you want to see me safe and continue your role in my life as protector. But I’ve developed new tools now, I’ve found new safety now. I don’t need these walls and I don’t need these old tools.

I know you know this time has been coming, that’s why you’ve been lashing out. You want me to stay the same, here with you and you’ve been pulling out all the tricks to make sure of it. But, Ego, can’t you see the walls are crumbling down in here and the Shame Shovel is rusting over? It’s rotting from all the tears I cry. I’m finally letting myself feel all the sadness and grief you’ve protected me from feeling all these years. The cries of my soul are not only cleansing me, but they’re also eroding every shovel, spade and trowel I used to keep myself down.

And Penny Perfections’ ink ran dry ages ago, I speak freely now. I don’t depend on others’ approval to feel safe, seen or valuable because I provide these foundations for myself. I realised that any judgment or bitterness or rejection I showed towards anyone else was just a projection of the ways I treated parts of myself. So, I can apply that same fact to everyone else. If they don’t accept me at my most authentic self, then I know that’s just signalling they don’t accept themselves at their most authentic self. And it’s not my business to change myself to be seen by people who don’t even see themselves. I’ve got new pens now. They’re all different varieties, colours, and styles and they’re better tools to better express the fullness of me, the truth of me, the craziness of me. I need so much more than just a marking pen for ticks and crosses to create what I want to create in this world. It’s messy at times, but it’s closer to the truth.

And Ego, believe it or not, when I’m craving warmth I now give myself warmth. I sip hot tea, I make myself a yummy soup, I run myself a bath, I hug myself tight. I feel the pang for connection and I connect with myself. I don’t need to freeze over anymore. I meet my body’s needs and my body now knows its needs will be met. My body is safe again. My body trusts me again, because I responded to her call. And now that I can hear her call more clearly, the call outside is getting too loud to ignore and I must go on my journey.

Ego:

You’re a fool.

Grace:

Good.

And whether or not you understand, at least I now trust I can provide myself the compassion, the connection and the comfort to feel safe enough outside in discomfort…without your assistance anymore. The foundations I’ve created are trustworthy and I can fall on them within myself no matter how scary or unknown these new people and places are. But, I’m not even worrying about what could go wrong anymore. That’s a mindset that only serves me in this bubble we’ve made. Out there I get to wonder how amazing it could be, how perfectly everything could work out. I get to ponder the infinite potential and possibilities available to me.

Ego:

I really don’t understand.

Grace:

I thought you wouldn’t. Because I am alive, and alive things have the energy of Life coursing through them. God itself pumps through our bodies begging us to grow, begging us to expand. When we follow the flow of Life/God running through us, we can trust every step will be met with solid ground. Why would God want to fail Herself? Why would God let His disciple falter on His quest closer to Him? I am only alive so that I can live, you are only alive so that I could survive. And you’ve served your duty. Again, thank you. But, I have to go live my life now. This will not be easy for either of us, and I’m sure you will do your best to wave these old gadgets and gizmos in front of me, tempting me back to the familiarity of them, and I may bite at time - after all I am human and using these vintage instruments are second nature to me - but I will always return to the new toolbox I’ve built. One made of love and faith and freedom.

Death is never easy, but after every death there is a rebirth. Goodbye for now, Ego. Thank you for everything. Until we meet again <3